Words of Advice:

"Never Feel Sorry For Anyone Who Owns an Airplane."-- Tina Marie

"
If Something Seems To Be Too Good To Be True, It's Best To Shoot It, Just In Case." -- Fiona Glenanne

"
Flying the Airplane is More Important than Radioing Your Plight to a Person on the Ground
Who is Incapable of Understanding or Doing Anything About It.
" -- Unknown

"There seems to be almost no problem that Congress cannot,
by diligent efforts and careful legislative drafting, make ten times worse.
" -- Me

"What the hell is an `Aluminum Falcon'?" -- Emperor Palpatine

"Eck!" -- George the Cat

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Blog Disclaimer and Caution Label

Nothing in this or any other post on this blog shall be construed in any way, shape or form as legal advice, technical advice, relationship advice or any other form of advice or hints or any shit like that whatsoever. The author of this blog reserves the unlimited right to point and laugh at anybody who does or says anything because of what was written in this blog. This blog does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my former or any future employer, my lover, my mother, my siblings, my friends (real and otherwise), or my cats, or any of their fleas; don't quote me on this; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this content freely but you may not make a profit from it, at least not unless you PayPal my fair share to me; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail, or shrunk to hide detail; accept no substitutes; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; objects in mirror are closer than they appear; this article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; this blog is provided "as is" without any warranties whatsoever; reader assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity article; no shoes, no shirt, no service; quantities are limited while supplies last; use no slugs; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental discretion advised, text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable; keep away from sunlight; keep away from OJ; keep away from pets and small children; beware of low-flying aircraft; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; remove cardboard tube before vaginal insertion; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; edges are sharp; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; not liable for damages arising from use, abuse or misuse; close cover before striking; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool, dry place; keep away from open flames; hot beverages are hot; beware of jet blast; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this blog could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a proper protection; see your dentist regularly; no salt, MSG, gluten, peanut oil, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a physician; articles are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 or over to read; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, rocket explosion, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply. Do not point firearms at anything you do not want to shoot. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Beware of cats. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not play around, walk on or sleep on railroad tracks. Stay away from Dick Cheney during hunting season. Postage will be paid by addressee. Do not stand on top step. Subject to approval. Not tested on animals. This is not an offer to sell securities. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Apply only to affected area. Maintain proper tire inflation pressure. May be too intense for some viewers. You must be this tall to read this blog. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. Remove before flight. Nobody saw nuttin', copper. For recreational use only. Do not stare into the beam of the laser. Not a toy. Deposits made after 2 p.m. will be credited on the next business day. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. Pull pin, then throw. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Remove staples prior to using copier. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself, bucko. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Do not use as a pry bar or chisel. Do not enter, use of deadly force authorized. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Not responsible for lost or stolen property. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. Guns are always loaded. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Stay clear of propeller. Keep cool; process promptly. Spay or neuter your pets. Post office will not deliver without postage. Remove all pins before donning garment. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. No strollers on escalator. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Do not play inside of or around. Do not taunt or annoy the tigers. Images may have been reformatted to fit your monitor. At participating locations only. Knock before entering. Not the Beatles. Know your target and what is beyond it. Penalty for private use. In case of offense, either lighten the fuck up or go read another blog. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Turn into skids. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Fer Chrissakes, are you still reading this? Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Unaccompanied children will be sold to the gypsies. Color of products may be somewhat different from colors shown in this advertisement. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Front towards enemy. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Not the Monkees, either. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Warnung minen. Shading within a garment may occur. Do not use as a flotation device. Use only in well-ventilated area. This space intentionally left blank: ________. Keep away from fire or flame. If you have read this far, you must be a lawyer trying to find a loophole in this disclaimer. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Некурящие близкие журналы оружия. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Attention, haute tension. Prerecorded for this timezone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Beware of swallows carrying coconuts. Passengers shall please refrain while train is standing at or passing through a station. No solicitors or barristers. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Fara älg kan bita. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash, but does carry loaded weapons. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Decision of judges is final. This disclaimer may contain repetition repetition or speling erors. I stole this mother of all disclaimers off of another web site I found using google. I edited it. I like it. If you don't, find someone who cares. It ain't me.

18 comments:

willis said...

Reads like my health care policy except at least you seem to be ok with pre-existing conditions

Marc said...

Breathing *is* a pre-existing condition....not breathing is the preferred status by most health care insurers.

Pat said...

How about, Drinking large quanities of alcohol may cause you to forget how ignorant the human species is for a short period of time. Followed by the, Hangovers will cause you to wonder why the fuck you bothered to even try.

Bustednuckles said...

Dadgummit, proof reading can be helpful.

This reminded me of the warning on my Snap On screwdrivers.
"Do not use as a prybar or chisel".
Why is that necessary?

If ya use it as a prybar, the next time you want to use it as a chisel, it's bent.

This post is a perfect example why I swing by here a couple times a day.Except yesterday, I was busy getting hammered.

Pull pin,throw, run away.
This side towards enemy.

Some things just have to be explained to people.


Busted

Comrade E.B. Misfit said...

Nice one from Snap-On, BN, it's in there, now.

Bustednuckles said...

OMG!
How did this one get left out?
" Call your doctor if your erection lasts over four hours"!

Double bonus, my confirmation word is PERMO.

LMAO!

Rehctaw said...

Send before midnight tonight.

Deposits made after 2 p.m. will be credited on the next business day.

Styles may vary.

Plus shipping & handling.

Do NOT EAT

Not responsible for lost or stolen property.

Close cover before striking.

Do not over inflate.

Not to be worn for protection.

Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.

Comrade E.B. Misfit said...

Rehctaw,

Sknaht, eorm wef a dedda I.

Kiterea said...

Hey, wait a minute. If I have an erection around for four hours I'm happy as heck. He might be having problems, though! Opps,yeah, Busted said to come over here and to be nice, sorry. I forget, did it have the one about supositories not to be taken orally?

Elizabeth said...

Sorry if it's there and I missed it, but how 'bout "No shoes, no shirt, no service"?

And while at it,

"No exit"?

Sarah said...

Do not play in or around!

--dumpsters everywhere.

Seriously, EBM, I am glad this is cut&pasted. I'd be worried about a nascent OCD/substance abuse problem.... :)

Comrade E.B. Misfit said...

Sarah, anyone who knows me will testify that I'm not OCD about anything.

Sarah said...

Ha! Good to know. I hope said testimony is never required in court.

Old NFO said...

OUTSTANDING! :-)

JohnMXL said...

What about "Do not taunt happy fun ball." and "Do not look at laser with remaining eye."

dinthebeast said...

Aww, c'mon, I'm 53 and my eyesight is way too poor to read this with my safety goggles on.

-Doug in Oakland

Old NFO said...

LOL, you are TRULY on a roll! :-) Well done!

OldAFSarge said...

Priceless.

I am seriously considering misappropriating this.