Driving Tips for Imbeciles

Tip No. 1: When you are in heavy traffic and all lanes are clogged, you will not get where you are going any faster by riding on the bumper of the vehicle in front of you. If the driver in front of you gets pissed off enough and decides that he or she really wants a new car, as well as all of the damages that result from a successful lawsuit, that driver may jam on the brakes. You can discuss settling the litigation after the troopers finish writing you a ticket for following too closely.

Tip No. 2: If the cops have another car pulled over to the side of the road, do not slow down and look. Odds are that the cops are not stupid enough to be doing a Rodney King in front of a few thousand motorists, half of whom have cell phones that can shoot video.

Tip No. 3: If it is dark outside, turn on your fucking headlights.

Tip No. 4: If you are driving a car painted in a dark shade of paint, as soon as the Sun sets, turn on your fucking headlights.

Tip No. 5: Turn on your headlights anyway, you fraking moron.

Tip No. 6: If tips 1 through 4 come as news flashes to you, consider turning in your drivers license before you kill yourself, your family, or someone else. Cabs, Greyhound, Amtrak and the airlines are all better choices for you.