Some group of clowns is set to release a remake of Conan the Barbarian.
30 years ago, Schwartzenegger's command of English was on par with Sean Connery's ability to speak Russian, so, except for Conan's prayer to Crom before the final battle and some laughable lines about "hear die lamentations of die wimmin", Schwartzenegger's lines were mostly a few words here and there, interspersed with cries of pain and grunting. The majority of the speaking lines went to James Earl Jones, who was a really creepy Thulsa Doom, Sandahl Bergman (Valeria) and to the other bodybuilders in the movie who could actually speak English.
In spite of all that, the original was a fine movie. It wasn't a great movie, but it worked.
So what have they got to offer this time around? Tons of CGI and an actor who can speak English?
Ecch.
WWJD: What Would Jesus Drink?
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Yeah, and I hear they are going to mess up my other favorite cheese-plate, too. I have to kill someone if they touch Red Sonja!
The Thing prequel looks interesting. I'll bet it won't approach 10% of the pure terror of the John Carpenter version, but it's interesting to think I already know how it ends.
How about Tony Curtis' line in Robin Hood/ "Yonda lies de castle of my fadda!" You could take the Boy out of the Bronx but...
I was reading an outdoors magazine and it had an interview piece with Gerry Lopez, the guy who played Subotai in Conan The Barbarian. He was a surfer dude from childhood and is now a "surfing ambassador" for the Patagonia Clothing Company. He looks pretty good at 62, and says he is still friends with Schwarzenegger!
Well for one thing, this isn't a remake of Conan the Barbarian. It's a new film featuring a character created in 1932 by Robert E. Howard. Aside from the central idea of Conan's family and home being destroyed by an evil warlord inspiring him to seek revenge (and the stolen father's sword) there really isn't anything from that film appearing here. None of the supporting characters save Conan's father, none of the other plot elements, none of the set pieces, and none of the themes from the 1982 film will be returning.
For another thing, the 1982 film wasn't faithful to the source material. I don't mean that in a "James Bond wasn't blonde" or "Spider-Man didn't have organic webshooters" kind of divergence, I mean "practically nothing you see on screen has anything to do with the source material." Nearly everything you see happen - Conan's entire early life, his personality, the supporting characters, the locations - is completely at odds with the original stories.
There are many fantastic Conan stories by Howard that would make excellent films, so there's no reason to decry any latter-day Conan film that doesn't star Arnold or doesn't have John Milius directing simply because CtB was a fine film (and it was), any more than they shouldn't have bothered making new James Bond films after Sean Connery.
Of course, that's not getting into the fact that this film has its own multitude of problems, but few of them are because of its ties to the 1982 film.
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