Money for Nothing

Or, more accurately, nothing for money. Willard M. Romney spent millions of his own dollars in Iowa only to get his ass kicked by Huckabee, who ran on a shoestring. McCain and Sleepy Fred tied for third. Ron Paul came in fifth, beating Guiliani, who barely edged out "you got to be shitting me" as a choice.

On the Democratic side, Obama beat Clinton 38% to 30%, who herself tied with Edwards. The three of them sucked all of the oxygen out of the rest of the field; Richardson came in fourth with a 2% showing. Chris Dodd has already thrown in the towel, after winning one delegate.