Words of Advice:

"If Something Seems To Be Too Good To Be True, It's Best To Shoot It, Just In Case." -- Fiona Glenanne

"Foreign Relations Boil Down to Two Things: Talking With People or Killing Them." -- Unknown

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.” -- Mark Twain

"Colt .45s; putting bad guys underground since 1873." -- Unknown

"Stay Strapped or Get Clapped." -- probably not Mr. Rogers

"Let’s eat all of these people!” — Venom

"Eck!" -- George the Cat

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

"And That's When the Fight Started."

Which is the last line to all of these jokes:

A woman went with her husband to his high school reunion. Two tables over, a woman was sitting alone and pounding down drinks.
"Honey, do you know that woman," the wife asked.
"Yes," he sighed. "We dated and broke up after graduation. I heard she took up drinking and never stopped."
"Ohmigawd, that's an awfully long time for a celebration," the wife said.

A man was hinting to his wife what he wants for a 50th birthday present.
"I want something that has chrome and will go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds," he announced.
She bought him a bathroom scale.

A man was walking down the street in the city and turns the corner by a building. He bumped into some guy who was carrying a cardboard tray with four coffees in it. The coffees dumped all over the other guy, who starts cussing a blue streak. The guy who turned the corner did a double-take, as he realized that he just almost trampled a dwarf.
The guy with the coffees ended his tirade by screaming: "I am not happy!"
The first guy asked: "OK, so which one are you?"

A man was standing in the bedroom, looking in a mirror and frowning.
His wife walked in and asked what was wrong.
He said: "I've got a pot belly, I'm going bald, what hair I have left is turning gray and I'm not the stud that I once was."
"Is there anything that I can do to cheer you up," she asked.
"I need you to pay me a compliment."
She thought for a second and then said: "Your eyesight's excellent."

A woman walked into her husband's man-cave and asked: "What's on TV?"

A man is reading the paper when his wife walked into the room.
"Dear, I just got off the phone with my mother. She said you didn't buy her a gift for her birthday."
"Hell, she didn't use the gift I bought her last year."
"What did you give her?"
"A cemetery plot."

So the guy in the last joke took his mother-in-law out to a restaurant to try and make amends. For some reason, the waitress first asked him for his order.
"I'll have the prime rib, and I want it rare."
The waitress paused with her order pad: "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

A few days later, that guy was was reading a story in the paper about the fight to put the Ten Commandments in the courthouse. He said: "They have a commandment about how we're supposed to treat our parents, but not one about how wives are supposed to treat their husbands."
"Oh, but they do, dear."
"They do," he asked. "Which one is that?"
"Thou Shall Not Kill."

1 comment:

Sport Pilot said...

Made me smile and cheered me up. Thanks.