Tips About Planet Nirubu or Nibiru or Whatever the Hell It's Called

The conspiracy theorists have been going batshit about their latest bit of insanity- that a rogue planet is going to smash into the Earth, eject Earth from the Solar System, or so alter Earth's orbit that Earth will be uninhabitable.

First off, none of this shit is real. It's a recurring bit of popular insanity that is driving a NASA planetary scientist bonkers.

Second, if this shit were real, there is fuck-all that could be done about it.

But this shit is not real. There is zero evidence of any such planet. So if you believe in this shit, ther's what you should do: If you're a woman, call your gynecologist and schedule an emergency tubal ligation. If you're a man, call your urologist and schedule an emergency vasectomy.

Here are some helpful tips for the believers in this shit:

• Do not stick knives into electrical outlets.
• Do not run with scissors.
• Do not go outside during a thunderstorm and hold golf clubs over your head.
• There are no Nigerian princes who want to send you fifteen million dollars.

Actually, that there is anybody who believes in this shit is depressing as all hell. It's not just one or two, but millions. Maybe tens of millions. People who vote and reproduce.

We are so screwed.