The ABM Race in the GOP

"ABM" as in "Anybody But Mitt":

CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report) – The race for the Republican presidential nomination took an unexpected turn today as a new poll showed that a startled deer was the new GOP frontrunner.

Bucky, the red deer who is the first choice of likely Republican voters is believed to be the first woodland creature ever to lead a major party’s presidential field.

“Voters like what they see in Bucky,” said veteran political strategist Ed Rollins, who has signed on to helm the red deer’s primary campaign. “The fact that he is unable to speak is a major asset.”

That is very close to the truth, for it seems that the GOP stalwarts are scrambling to find anyone who can speak lucidly and yet motivate the crazy-ass Teapartiers as well as the Christian Taliban to turn out on Election Day.

I said four months ago that if the goal of the Republicans was to defeat President Obama, they already had the candidate who could do that: Jon Huntsman. I have not changed my opinion.

Huntsman's problem is that he sees himself as an American, not just a party member. So when a president from the other party called and said: "I need you to serve our country", Huntsman said he would. That is anathema to the batshit-insane Republicans, who would rather chow down on a bowl of ground glass and chopped-up clock springs than work for a Democrat.*

Bishop Romney's problem, of course, is that nobody trusts him. Name a topic and you will find that Romney has been on both sides of the issue. The only thing that Romney believes in is his own ambition. He'd say anything or do anything to win an election. He has no lodestone, other than maybe his church, and that makes people very uncomfortable.

Which is why it is comically plausible that the party of Hoover would want to vote for a deer.
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*Tehy will make an exception if the job involves shooting foreigners.