Caleb Flerk's Letter to Chance-Vought Aircraft

This is the (in)famous Caleb Flerk letter:

"SOME TROUBLE OF A SERRIOUS NATURE"

Dere mr Mac Arty

Inclose i am a tach a pitcher of my arrplane in which you will note their has bin some trouble of a seRRious nature i am desirous to leave you here about. This here particklar arrplane orichinally made by them plumbers of yourn was solt to me at a War Assets Administration sail in the town of Hockyjock Ark. lass month, a mister Morris Finestine was agent for the tramsackshun. This Finestine was passin through town at the time bying up all kind of serpluss equipment and he got wind they was a arrplane stashed away in the country. This here particklar job was flew in hear back an awgust of 45 by a navy ferry pilot and had set over to the field in North Hockeyjock every since. The Navy feller was flyin enroot to Sandy Aigo the days the japps threw in there jocks and quit, and this feller here this over the raddio.

Immediately when he hear this he set down in the nearest field which was ours and inside of a hour he-was pissyass drunk lyin stiff in Jake Bragans place, celebratin peace. From the time this navy feller land here I sort of had my eye on this here plane and a week later when he fell out the upstairs window of Mabel's cathouse and like to tore his ass off on the rain barrel and was took off to the horsepittle i and george murch hitch up the team and haul the arrplane quiet like over behint the willows on the east 40. We figger we leave her there till things quiet and calm down, then we use her for sportin about in the evenings after chores.

Well, we keep things perty quiet and first thing we know it look like the navy has plumb forgit the hole thing. We just about get feeling good about this when this nozey agint bassard slip into town and get the wind up there is a arrplane hid in the area. This feller snoop arount on the sly and sure enuff it dont take the bassard long to ease down behint the willows and see her setting there neat as a plover's egg. We dont argue with this agint and after he calm down some cool off he see we want this plane perty bad so he says he'll see can he arrange some sort of deal alltho it will be unregglar and require some fancy maneuverin.

He come arount the next mornin and real confidenshall like tell us he worked out a oral contrack whereby we just pay him a couple hunnert dollars and own the arrplane out rite free and clear and that we will forward the papers when he get to washington in a few weeks. Bein smart we pay him a hunnert dollars and agree to pay the rest when he write us from washington and he hauled ass out of town and we aint hear from him since.

Well, george and i haul her out the day the Fair opened and grease her down real good and pump up the tires and get her all set to go. She been setting now for aiteen month but bein behint them willows has kept her pretty well from weatherin. Having flewed with young Sprowl several times and havin seen all them movies and read all them stories about arrplanes I have a good deal of ecksperience to drawr on and am very compatent of my ability. We set her out on the edge of the fair grounds and point her over at Ralph Easbys place aimin right between the chimmineys which is doo north.

i red in a book onetime where most arrplanes take to the air much better if thyre aimed north. we figger having set as long as she has thet she might need a-fuelin so george fetch a small drum of coal oil from The Store and she take all of it. The sign arount the spicket said something or other about aromatick spirits' so Jake Bragan kick in wit a quart of his best White Mule. She kick up abit at 1st but stop smokin and fizzin when we clamp the tank cap back onto her and quiets down right soon.

When we are all finished i get inside and set down in the chair and start figgerin how to start the motor. Its a right gusty day and while im setting thair the wind keeps slappin the joyce stick arount and it rap me a few sharp whacks in the knees. Thet navy feller was in such a rush to get over to the saloon thet he left every thing lay loose like. George and i do nt take long to see whats wrong however, both bein natural borned mechanicks, and we just take sum bailin wire and lash thet thrashin joyce stick right smart over to one corner where shes outen the way and strapped down real good. Yessir, when i and george lash em down, they stay lashed.

We play hob trying to get thet motor start as all them switches inside seem to start all sorts of whirrin and whistlin sounds goin all at once and im busier'n a one-legged man at a asskickin contess flickin all them switches and pushin and pullin all them knobs tryin to crank the motor over. i finally get her to kick and sput a few times and all of a sudden with a roar she catch, backfire loud enought to scare a deaf mule, and shoots a streak of flame an fire a yard long out the eckzawst hole George is standin on the wing bendin over takin up a shoe laice and it catches him right smart and like to scare him half to death, Last i see of him hes still runnin acrost the field howlin like a scalded dog.

They were quite a crowd gathered by now waitin to see m fly this here job cheerin and callin to me so i get set to go and start pushin and pullin a bunch of handles and knobs real cautious like until finnally i find the one that jazzes the engine right good. Its got a little button onto the top of it that for all the world looks light a durn tit and after readin all them stories about them wild fliers and their fast wimmen i figger ive got my hand on the right thing at last. I jazz her a few times to get the crowds attenshun and when theyer all wavin to me and yellin, i look out at em, leave em have a big smile, and spit real casual and delibbarate-like i seen thet feller do in the movies, and then jam the tit handle plumb up the hilt.The motor leaves off a roar the like of which i aint ever heerd in all my borned days and i get shovved against the back of the seat so bad i caint hardly catch my breath and thet arrplane starts buckin and bouncin acrosst the feeld like a buck stallion in heat. I never feel so much power strapped onto one machine in all my life and the ground keeps wherrin by faster and faster and them chimneys over to Easbys keep growin bigger and bigger. It don't take be long to realize thet things arnt goin rite about the time I see people scatterin for cover from Easby's yard so i start lookin for the handle which will hist the arrplane off the ground. There a wheel says "nose-up" on it so i quick-like give her a twirl and then shut my eyes. I feel thet arrplane hop off the groun an start twirl in around in the air like a oak leaf in a twister and when i take a peek, we're goin strait up an im lookin plumb down old Easby's north flue. Im not lookin for long tho as the next thing i know the sky, the groun, the clouds, trees, barns, cows, the sky are all jumbled up an i caint figger where i am from one minut to the next. All of a sudden the plane starts shakin and jumpin arount like its got the ague an the motor starts snarlin an moanin powerful loud an then the groun starts comin up right fast. I shut my eyes agin an holt on real tight an then its all over. Theys a terrific jolt, a big splash, then all quiet. I figger sure enuff im deader'n hell an on my way to hevvin until i feel thet cold water start creepin up arount my butt and when i open my eyes goddam if i aint settin plumb smack in the middle of Hooleyhans Creek with a bunch of reed birds clackin an skwawkin all excited over my head.

Well, Mr Mac Arty, that's my story an bein a man of over average intelligents an unlimited patience, i have gave a considdurible mount of thought to this insident and i guess i dont need leave youre immagination further guess how pissed off i am an how dissapoint i am regards youre arrplane. I cant help but think of all the other people who put their strickest connfidents in them machines and 1st thing you know somebuddys gonna get his ass tore out afore he knows what hit im. Therefore an simce you are the service manager of this Channcey vought corsehair company, I feel you have a very responsible service to perform to all them people who may be desirous of fly your arrplane. Ive bin setting out onto the back stoop for hours on end figgerin this thing out an watchin all the birrds akin to this country real careful-like. Ive watched them when they dident know i was watchin them and this inkloods wrens, sparrers, jaybirds, hawks, doves, crows an woody peckers. My advice to you Mr MC Arty is for you to tell them big smart engineers up to yore place to spend more time outside doin jist whay ive bin doin cause it wont take ANY GODDAM FOOL long to see thet them birds would just as likely bust their ass too if some idiot had stuck their wings on upside down too.

Indigently,
Caleb Flerk