The FAA and Homeland Security Ban Santa Claus from U.S. Airspace
Written by Buck E Filbert
In a surprise move today The Federal Aviation Administration and Homeland Security joined forces to unilaterally deny domestic air space clearance to the traditional Christmas Eve sleigh ride by Santa Claus.
Santa's ride has been bringing joy and happiness to millions of children for generations. Irate parents worldwide are said to be absolutely distraught. "Who's going to eat the milk and cookies for a start?" asked one parent.
Homeland Security has said that any penetration into American air space will be considered an act of aggression as part of their duty in keeping American airspace and borders safe. A spokesman from Homeland Security told us, "We just can't have every jolly, rosy cheeked, white-haired fruitcake in the world flying around American air space unsupervised."
FAA engineers are scratching their heads about where to begin in certifying Santa's sleigh as safe for flight. There are no standards regulating the stability and performance of reindeer, also the FAA simply doesn't know how to inspect a machine which, in their minds, "totally defies the laws of physics".
The FAA will consider granting clearance if all FAA regulations are met. Here are a few:
* As a powered aircraft, Santa's sleigh requires an approved propulsion system (Reindeer fed on magic dust are not mentioned in the regulations and cannot be used).
* A single red light at the lead of the pack of reindeer does not constitute a set of running lights.
* The Sleigh must have a valid maintenance procedure, must meet aerodynamic requirements and be tested in a wind-tunnel.
* All required speeds (stall, climb, approach) must be documented, as well as the performance with the loss of one or more reindeer.
* Detailed flight plans must be plotted and submitted to the FAA at least six months in advance.
Santa Claus is said to be very upset by the reaction from these US agencies and feels the actions are a direct violation of the Children's basic human rights.
Homeland Security laid down the following ultimatum to Santa Claus: "If we see any flying sleighs in the skies over America you can bet your bottom dollar there'll be a F-16 with Sidewinders blasting it outta the sky."
There is no truth to the rumor that Dick Cheney is currently learning how to fly jet fighters.
Shit. Does this mean that NORAD won't be tracking the sleigh this year?
ReplyDeleteBet they strip search him.
ReplyDeleteSanta Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
ReplyDeleteCranky, probably not. How would you like to be the scope jockey who had to go home and explain to the kids that he or she got Santa shot down?
ReplyDeleteDusty, eeew!
Mark, you ought to go over to Avisg and post that.
I'm sure it's been heard there a thousand times, EB. That one was old when the Intertubes were young, and a series of drinking straws, not of tubes. However, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
ReplyDelete